Derby Dolls

We like derby girls — a lot. They rough, they’re tough, and we could never bring’em home to meet mom. They’re everything we look for in a girl, so when we see one that catches our eye, we like to profile them. If you know of a roller derby girl that you think we should know about, drop us a line and let us know where we can find her pics online.

Meet Quick and Deadly, #18 with the Church of Sk8in of the Emerald City Roller Girls of Eugene, Oregon.


You care because girls who wear a grin with their black-eye can dish it out just as well as they can take it, and the only thing that’ll make you look more manly than slapping around someone who’s smaller than you is to take a beating from them without so much as cowering in the fetal position to protect your pretty little face.

I care because girls with short blond hair, freckles, a nose ring, and a black-eye make me think of blood-thirsty battle-nymphs, and there’s nothing quite as intriguing being seduced by a mythical creature that might devour you in a fit of rage if you don’t get them off and keep them placated.

Meet Death Race Darby, #13 of the Reign Valley Vixens of, well, Reign Valley.


You care because you think that girls who are that well put together and play roller derby are just looking for a way to rebel and show off how tough they can be, which makes you think that (1) you’ll actually have a chance with her because dating a putz like you isn’t such a bad way to rebel against what society expects from a well-rounded 8, and (2) if you get them hopped up enough on box wine and peach schnapps, they might even let you test out just how tough they really are.

I care because a derby doll who’s lying down on her back, propped up on her elbows, and looking up at me like that it is probably thinking “Okay, so now that you’ve knocked me to the ground, what are you going to do about it?”

Meet Lily the Kid, #138 on the Hustlin’ Rollers from Memphis.

Source: Memphis Roller Derby

You care because she kinda looks like Adam Lambert, except she has a vagina, which makes it okay for you to openly lust after her and easier for you to rationalize those thoughts you’ve been having early in the morning when you’re halfway between a dreaming and a waking state.

I care because, usually, the only person people who play full contact sports and have a lot of tattoos hate more than themselves is everyone else, and frankly I could use a quid pro quo session with someone who can dish it out as well as they can take it.

Meet Lola Blow, #138 from The Chicago Outfit roller derby team.

Source: The Chicago Outfit

You care because she has a bit of the crust punk look which makes you think that if you offer her a place to crash for the night, she’d not only be willing to go home with you, but since she picks her nose, you won’t have to wait until only after she’s shown you her gratitude for having a warm place to sleep for the night before letting one lose.

I care because septum piercings are ironic-hot in a “it looks like you can just lead me around like a submissive work beast but what I really do is buck, throw you down, and mount you like Peter Griffin in last night’s episode of The Family guy” kind of way.

And you thought goring was the only kind of bull penetration out there…

Meet Stiv Skator. She plays for the Tough Cookies of the LA Derby Dolls roller derby league.

Source: LA Derby Dolls

You care because she’s a girl with letters tattooed across her fingers which makes you feel like it’s okay to have prison fantasies because now when you’re fantasizing about being dominated in the shower, you can at least picture that it’s a girls owning your ass, and not feel like such a dirty little bitch when you’re done enjoying yourself.

I care because those pouty lips and long eye lashes say that’s she’ll feign sensitivity to get what she wants, and that’s kind of hot because girls like that don’t need to cuddle or talk about their feelings and how “confused” they are about what’s happening between them and another girl.

Meet Lady J. She plays for a team called the New Skids on the Block in the Montreal Roller Derby League.

Source: Montreal Derby League

You care because she doesn’t look like a bull-dyke on wheels, but still has just enough of a touch a tomboy to appeal to the same part of your lizard brain that makes you and your buddies hang around the locker room in a towel for 45 minutes after you work out.

I care because her touch of femme tells me that she’s comfortable in her skin and not trying to over-compensate, and if we ever went out on a date, she wouldn’t keep trying to prove herself by paying for all of her own drinks and dropping subtle reminders that she likes men, too.

This is a picture of a Derby Doll named Ruca Von Riot drinking beer out of a roller Skate. She’s from a Newfoundland roller derby team called the 709 Derby Girls.

Credit: 709DerbyGirls

You care because there’s just something about a heavier girl putting something phallic in her mouth that you just can’t resist, especially when it’s a booze bottle because you imagine that soon she’ll be easier pickings than ever, and you might actually get a chance to hit those birthing hips that society has been telling you are “unattractive” but appeal to your primal instincts to spreak your seed.

I care because I have a thing for Derby Dolls because they’re feminine but they’re masculine, and they can rough me up in a way that reminds that sometimes I hate myself. That, and I also enjoy burying my head between a pair of thunder thighs and feeling them clamp down on my head. It takes my breath away much in the same way I imagine falling in love for the first time would.

You can check out the 709 Derby Girl flickr stream here.